The Pang of Happiness

It's Saturday morning. Have my exercise at around 6:45 am, twist, shake and jog for around 30 minutes then rest. After about 10 minutes, I go down to get a drink and took a bath. Then log in to one of my blog account to write something about taking a shower after exercising. I was scrolling up and down, trying to thing of what to write when I saw the drop down menus of hidden blog. "The way of heaven", was the blog that captured my attention. I can't remember much of the blogs I was following because I just got back now, after like 2 or 3 years. So I started browsing it, to find out it was the blog of my boyfriend. I read his post until I jump in to the blog where he posted songs he composed. The song "Hero of her Heart" was the one that catches my attention and soon I was reading the lyrics (well, I don't know it's tune). The reason why it catches my attention is because Justin Bieber was on the lyrics. I just found it odd that his name was there and I was supposed to tease him about being gay. I was laughing so hard then but as I get deeper in the lyrics, mas lalo akong na-touch. I was missing him for quite a time, and just by his compositions I was able to feel him near me. That even if he's physically absent, he still lingers in my heart. I called him pang of happiness for the reason that I feel pain without him near me but happiness at the same time by the fact that he will always be with me coz he's in my heart. He may not be Superman, Spiderman, Batman, or any other hero-man, and REALLY not JB, but he will always be the HERO of my HEART <3.

Hero of her Heart

There are times

That i see you unconsciously

Staring at the window

I don't know what's on your mind

There are times

That you feel alone deep inside

Who you gonna call?

Wishing you'll think of me

No I'm not your Peter Parker, 

or Justin Bieber

Damn I'm not the man of steel,

Superman

No I'm not your Peter Parker, 

or Justin Bieber

I'll be there in a Flash

I'm the hero of her heart

Shaken by your looks

Oh, --------------------

It feels like free fallin'

To the one that

destiny has written

No I'm not your Peter Parker, 

Who you gonna call?

Damn I'm not the man of steel,

But I'm always here

No I'm not your Peter Parker, 

or Justin Bieber

Damn I'm not the man of steel,

Superman

No I'm not your Peter Parker, 

or Justin Bieber

I'll be there in a Flash

I'm the hero of

I'm the hero of her heart

Choices and Sacrifices

nagising ako around 5:30 am dahil sa lamig. January pa lang malamig na agad. susme. then narealize ko mag-february na pala. haist naman. now i know. malamig na nga talaga. araw na naman ng mga puso eh. kabilang ako sa SMP. samahan ng malalamig ang puso. haha. nagimbento eh no? anyway, un nga. nagising ako, pumunta sa lamesa para buksan yung laptop ko tapos eto blog blog na habang nakikining sa kanta ni Kiroro na Bestfriends. aww fvck. bestfriends.. ayan na naman. naalala ko nnman siya. kagabi magkausap lang kami. pero halata ko na parang wala siyang ganang kausap ako. sabagay.. ikaw ba naman magkakagana kausapin ung taong sinaktan ka? martir na lang gumagawa nun.. pero kahit ganun kinausap pa din nia ako. ako naman, pinilit maging masaya kahit na masakit sa loob ko. masaya ako kasi kahit papano kinausap nia ako. kahit alam kong nagpapakatanga ako na humahabol habol sa kanya. eto lang kasi ung way na alam ko para kahit paano hindi nia makalimutan na nageexist pa ako. oo alam ko, gago ako. pinakwalan ko tapos hahabulin ko? eh anong magagawa ko? naipit ako eh.at dahil duwag ako harapin ung mga bagay, siya ung nasacrifice ko. masakit sakin. sobra. kaya lang nanjan na eh. i couldn't turn back time to correct my mistakes. hindi na ako puedeng bumalik sa past para baguhin ung decision ko. all i can do now is accept the consequences of my decision and bear it even though it kills me. pero alam nio may na-realize ako sa mga nangyari samin. una, hindi lahat ng nagmamahal sau laging nanjan. dadating ung time na iiwan ka din nila. second, gaano mo man kamahal ung tao, pag mali ung gingwa nio, kahit masaya ka kailangan mo magdecide para sa tama. kasi kahit kelan, hindi naging tama ang mali gaano man ang sayang binibigay nito sau. kaya ikaw, pag nanjan ung taong binibigyan ka ng time, wag mo siya i-take for granted. you never know when he'll have enough of you to the point na magsasawa na siya. kung ayaw mo sa kanya sabihin mo agad para di ka na nia pagaksayahan ng panahon. isipin mo na lang, madami pang naghihintay na mahalin nia. di nia lang makita kasi.. NAKAHARANG KA..

ganyan talaga eh..

madalas, pag naiipit tayo sa sitwasyon, tinatakasan antin. lumalayo tayo kasi feeling natin un na ung pinakamadaling paraan para makaalpas ka at makahinga. pero di natin alam, the more na iniiwasan natin un, the more na nahuhugot tayo paloob. sa pagiwas natin, layo tayong nilalapitan. kaya siguro, ang pinakamagandang gawin eh harapin un. give your decision and face the consequences. oo mahirap magdecide, lalo na kung sa pagdedecide mo alam mong may mawawala sayo. pero ganun talaga eh. you can't have anything you want. you need to learn how to let go. kc kung patuloy mong hahawakan ung isang bagay, hindi mo alam, nasasakal mo na pala. hanggang sa pinatay mo na. mas maganda na ung pinkawalan mo siya para lumigaya siya, kesa inangkin mo siya pero di naman siya masaya. ironic ang buhay eh. masanay ka na.


alam ko, madalas dumating sa buhay natin ung point na kailangan nating mamili, kung ito or ung isa. mahirap db? kc nga, ayaw nating makasakit ng damdamin ng iba. pag pinili mo yung una, masasaktan mo ung pangalawa. pag ung isa naman pinili mo, masasaktan mo ung isa pa. usually, sa ganitong sitwasyon pinipili ung safety line. ung tipong sa tanong na "this or that?" ung "or" ung pipiliin mo. playing safe eh. pero ang di natin alam na habang nagsesettle down tayo dun sa comfort zone natin, lalo lang natin pinahihirapan ung sarili natin. kung di ka pa magdedecide ngayon, kelan pa? pag malala na ung sitwasyon? pag magulo na? eh kung ganun  din naman pala, eh mas maganda na sanang nagdecide ka umpisa palang. at least sa time na un, hindi pa ganun kalalim ung confusion. nasa tao din kasi yan. sabi nga di ba, ikaw gagawa ng destiny mo. every decision  you make molds your future. it's either you decide for your happiness or you let it flow in any direction..

Melancholic ambiance..

November 06, 2010. The day my grandpa died. Yes, he died. After all the hopes we put up, he loose his grip to life. I do understand. He is tired. He is already 89 years old and as the doctor said, he died because of old age. Many people who came during the wake told us that they know that Grandpa enjoyed his life. I am proud to be his grandchild. His favorite grandchild. But I miss him :(

During the time he's still living, he used to tell me stories about his struggle for independence during Japanese time. Yes, he is a soldier. He was one of the soldiers who survived during the "Death March". He survived the Marcos regime. But from all of this, he is the man who has been a father, a friend, a teacher and more. I admire him a lot. I am studying at the University of Santo Tomas, Manila because of him. During that time, I was torn between two schools, and two courses. I passed UST with the course of accountancy, while I was reconsidered in University of the Philippines (UP) with the course of dentistry. I want the accountancy course. But UP had been my dream school ever since. I was confused which to take. Then I walk to my Grandpa in his lounging chair (which he usually sit on) to ask him about it. He said to me that UST is good. He likes it. So I took it. And I never regret it. It was UST where I met my new friends whom I will be sharing my next years. And thanks to my loving Grandpa.

As I start the college, I randomly go home in Bulacan because of too many paperworks and reviews. I rarely see my Grandpa. But every time I go home, I always walk to him first to ask him, "Hey Joe! Wazzup?" while he'll answer, "I'm fine, Ja!". Then we'll make high five. I'll scratch his nose and he'll get mad at first but as I continued, he'll laugh hard. I taught him how to make "kalawit", "aprub" and "align". You know, childish stuff. I always tell him to wait for my graduation because it will be all in honor of him and he'll smile. I remember, there was this time where he cried as I bid him goodbye because I'm going back in Manila already. I felt how he missed me. I remember whenever he ask me to search his jacket and put it on to him, the times we watched TV together, eat together, laugh together.. I felt incomplete now..

It was this night where he was rushed to the hospital because of fever. He was admitted to the hospital for observation and medication. I was calm. Because I know he will make it. But i was wrong. Terribly wrong. I was away when my aunt called me to tell me that Grandpa was 50-50. He was put into a different hospital. Veterans. I was shocked. I don't know what to do. I can't cry. There's no tears in my eyes. I was numb that time. All I want was to go to him and hug him and tell him not to give up. I was praying so hard. When i visited him, he showed improvements. I was happy. If only i knew it won't be for so long. If only..

That morning of November 6, we went to SM to buy some things and relax a little. When we arrived home, we are already getting ready to go to Veterans to stay there to take care of him. It s that time the news came in. He is dead. I can't believe it. And there, all the emotions I was keeping inside of me flows. Tears run down my eyes. Just as I thought everything was fine, then it'll happen? NO! It can't be. But i have to accept it. I have to..

Here i am now. Writing this essay for my Grandpa. All the love I showed is not yet enough compared to the sacrifices ad love you've given me. I miss you Grandpa.. Hope to hug you again..







-till next time...




signed: missJerkyDoodleGirl

Irony of Life

When i went to the hospital yesterday to visit my grandpa, I noticed that there's another patient in the ward. It has the same case like my lolo, but he looks older(even if he's younger). Then, there is someone taking care of him. or if she is really taking care of him. The girl said she is no relative of the patient. The family hire her to take care of the poor man. He's a good business man, as she said, but unfortunately have evil family(well, it's my opinion). I hate his family. Don't they even show respect to him? I just realized how lucky my Grandpa was for having loving and caring family. Poor man..




With this experience, it came to my mind what worse can money bring. It will took all the virtues you have and blind you with the glimmering gold, and push into your body and soul all the vice it contains.




-end-




signed: missJerkyDoodleGirl

Keeping these pent-up emotions in my heart..

So, here i am again. I just recently erased my other blog. I dunno why. But let's not talk about that. Let's talk about now. You see, me and my aunt went to the supermarket to buy things she need on her store. When we got it all, we go to another supermarket or mall (sorry for being redundant) to pay for our bills, you know that stuff. Then we went to the clothes store (which the second mall has so many) to buy a shirt for my cousin. When we got her shirt, we go window shop. Actually, i'm not that close to this aunt. As we're walking, we saw dresses that are good enough for a girl to drool. I am drooling for them, honestly. But i stopped my daydreaming (well, i always dream of wearing dresses, but they say i'm stupid or whatever :| ) when my ant say, "that's fit for Jovie". Jovie was my niece, (and her grandchild) and i hate to admit it, i am jealous of her. Well you see, it seems like i need to do everything to please my own family while she, she need not to do a thing because everyone admire her. Yeah, she's beautiful. She got brains too, but not as much as i have (pride aside). Others say that I, too, am beautiful but.. i know they just say that to keep me from crucifying myself (well, i think that's a pretty strong word ). I hate her. She's a stubborn girl who don't know how to appreciate things. But.. yeah, she's admire by almost everybody.. especially boys. I've never been admired like that before. Look, i know i'm being too emotional. And i'm being to sarcastic. And, a crab (crab mentality, you know?). But you can't blame me. I grew up like this because it's what people surrounding me molded me to. And it's frustrating. Another thing is, she's so weak that with a slight intervention with what she does, she got mad or cry. And everybody will pity her. But me? I am known to be though. And almost everybody expected me to be one. You know, the feeling where all you want is to sit down and cry on the shoulder of your best friend, then suddenly you'll realize your alone. That's what i feel before. Until now. I hate being compared, but i am always compared. I never found my true self. I am never free. These emotions i held for so long, they're nothing. Because I know I'll be wasting my time if i will explain my side. Why did I say that? Try to think of this: what's the essence of explaining yourself, if on the first place, you're already judged? Do you get me? If yes, then thanks you. Maybe you have had experienced what i had experienced. If no, then it's fine. it's always fine. Because you see? I'm used to it. :(







'till here..




signed: missJerkyDoodleGirl